feelin
Who is there for me?

Everyone has a bestfriend to talk too...WHO THE HELL IS THERE FOR ME?!

dammit! as much as you say we're friends..ITS ALL LIES!..

HELL..what kinda friendship is this?! how are we suppose to be friends...or so called 'bery' bestfriends...

SHUT UP!! gawd rose..shut up!!

I will!

:::::

Maybe its me...I have so many countless problems...i dont even knwo where to start.

Maybe its jealousy...how I see 2 friends are bestfriends...but supposedly bestfriends with us too..well maybe..

Maybe I am jealous of that..thats why I try and avoid...do I run away??

maybe I do..and come running to people who I canNOT get too attached..guys...

but then it doesnt work!

WTF?!

....is wrong with me..

WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING?!!

WHEN ALL THIS PROBLEMS ARISE BECAUSE OF MY SICK EMOTIONAL HEAD!

FUCK YOU!!

I HATE YOUUU!

I WANNA DIE..SO THIS HEAD DOESNT HAVE TO THINK

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I WANNA SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT!

cuz I knwo I'm just feeling like this..cuz I'm gonan get it...BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ALL LIKE THIS!?

it fucking suck.

my gawd...I jsut wish there was someone for me..someone for my own

my own

bestfriend

::::

BUT THERES NO ONE FOR ME!

dammit!!

just looking back..when I was a kid...I didnt even have one..

WHY AM I MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS

A BESTFRIEND?

A LOT OF KIDS DONT HAVE BESTFRIENDS..yet I make such a huge deal out this..

I DONT KNOW!

maybe its because ...when I was a kid

DANGIT

ONLY I KNOW THAT EXPERIENCE!!

WHAT IS THE USE OF TYPING THIS WHOLE BULLSHIT?!

I DON'T KNOW?!

so at least people would know what the hell I'm feeling..

but they cant even tell

WHO CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND ME IS A FUCKING MYSTERY



I'm soo screwed.

I WANNA END THIS SHIT!!

3 in a row
Mood:  don't ask
I don't know what makes me do it.
I don't know how it starts, but it does.

--------------------------

My eyelids are swollen from last night.

I like taking showers...can't feel the tears.

You shouldnt have said those words to make yourself stronger...it makes me feel weaker.

Small cuts doesnt cut it.

I feel it..I'm not crying.

My head is too messed up.

You've got to understand that.

I'm sorry.

--------------------------

Theyre judging me right now.
They may say theyre not...but they are.

--------------------------

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

...........The real difficult of living a life is learning how to live it.

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I cut myself..it feels like I sold my soul to the devil.

They don't get it..they will never...as much as they say they will..you can't

I hate them...especially...myself.

Thoughts are Secret weapons of death
Mood:  don't ask
Every thought I have...are poison in my brain...there are no positive...but only negative...
Each thought leads to my own death..
I think of every possible way to let it die..but it always seems to come alive..
Once I've been left alone..all the thoughts seems uncontrollable to handle..
Its not easy to pretend to my friends who I am..
I'm not even sure WHO I AM?!..
Everything I say..everything I do..is a mess..
I have no idea on whats going inside this head of mine..
I think this started when I was a kid..
But right now, all I know I can't stop thinking about it..
No matter how hard I try to stop it..
I would think about it...but never have the courage to do it..
But I do know..if this sickness in my brain continues..
Any major affect that hits me..I know I'll explode..
But then...My faith is always stopping me from doing it..
I have so much to say..but I can't..
ugh..and my friends ARE TRYING theyre hardest to talk to me about this crap..
BUt I just can't talk to them about this..
Its gonna be too complicated to tell them..and for them to understand..
Even myself...can't understand this situation..
Nothin seems to matter..just the idea of death...matters
You put me in a room..with noone or nothing...just myself...and my thoughts..
I would die..
Do you see the pattern..how I mention thoughts and death a lot..
Doesn't that give an idea of what kinda person I am..
It seems so sad though..cuz for me to be a good friend..
When a friend say something about killing themselve..then I would say no..
Even though all I think about...is death..
Its a stupid curse of mine...a fuckin war between me and my thoughts..
The only thing keeping me standing right now..
Is probably the strength I have to try and make it through this shit hole..
What I hate though..is that everytime..I'm enjoying life..it must always end in my thinking...
I think..I'm living in sins...but more like drowning in them
The more I think about it..the worse its gonna be...
When the day comes..when I finally give up..
I'll regret it...but I know I've done enough..and know the pain is gone...
Everyday...I wish this would come to an end..

alone
Mood:  don't ask
I feel like crap!
I feel like shit!
I feel like everything I hate!

in simplier words...I HATE MYSELF!

ok they had a fun sleepover and I shouldn't be pissed because they wer the one who had fun, I didnt ask my mom cuz I didnt want to feel rejected which will happen..but holy crap..this whole week I felt like I'm in PMS seriously moody but its because I hadn't had any fun at all..shit, then school's gonna begin which is gonna be worse...HOLY CRAP!!...

[in my head]
Jumping up and down, screaming my head and crying my eyes out..going insane and wanting to die to stop this pain..but all I know, it'll never stop..my whole life will be feeling this disgusting pain and will torment me till I die.

...coming back..I hope saturday will be a fun day though..I probably won't go to church..I wanna rest from this..dang..its true that I forgot to read, dang...I need to be serious..I need to be alone...

you know what? It's been a long time since I felt this..maybe my mind exploded or something but somehow its a small explosion because I can still hide it from anybody...keeping feelings inside makes you think that its all, everythin is your fault..and this is what I'm probably feeling..

..REGRETS...