my heart beating so fast
Mood:  crushed out
I hate going to bed and all I can do is think of you.

I hate how my heart beats so fast just thinking of you.

I hate how I can never be close to you.

I hate how I try to ignore you but I can't.

I hate how we've never hugged each other.

I hate how I feel about myself and your there telling me its okay.

I hate our really deep conversations, where I realized your the guy.

I hate how I'm listening to depressing slow jamz and thinking of you.

I hate that when I'm with you I have to pretend to other people.

I hate how I'm denying this.

I hate how I'm too young to understand this.

I hate that I'm crying.

I hate how I have images of you in my stupid head.

I hate having so much fun with you that it can't be real.

I hate how I can hurt my friend's feelings because of this.

I hate how I can't tell anyone of this.

I hate how I like you so much.

I hate how I've liked the same way as I did when I stupidly young.

I hate how I'm not strong enough to hold these tears.

I hate reading back on my journal.

I hate that I know you don't know what I feel.

I hate you for making me feel this way.

I hate that I'll never have you.

a really crappy story made by..
Mood:  crushed out
"Can I ask you a favour?"
"Yeah, sure"
"Can I have a hug"
"Okay.."
*hug*
"Can I ask you another favour?"
"Ok, sure"
"Can I have a kiss?"
"Ummm..wouldn't that be awkward..cuz wer friends and all?"
"Yeah I guess your right...it was a silly favour anyways.."
"..."
"Well..goodbye then.."
She turned her back and whispered.."...I wished we werent just friends.."
And once he turned his back..."I wished she knew..."
And at the same time, both turned around and saw each other...they both looked deep into each other's eyes and realized that they were inlove..

The newfound 'Likeness'
Mood:  crushed out
umm..okay this is super weird for me..but I wanna write it down because I want to..lol..neways..i was tlking to my 'crush' which HE SHOULDN'T BE. but he's super uber nice and super CUTE! which I love..but anyways..I was tlking to my BBBF girls and then he comes online..which he like never..well actually just the past week and then we started to have a conversation..which RULES..hehe..first we wer tlking about nonsense stuff but it was fun..he of course makes me laugh like everytime I see him..so we got into tlking about our job..lol, the papers..eww i know but whatchu gonna do, my family's job too..but neways..so I change my screen name too "Papers kill my social life" which they do..he changes it cuz he prolly feels the same..but then he changed his display picture into mine..he stole mine of course..but I was like WHOA!..umm that was weird..but UGH..i hope its nothing because I don't want it to be something unless my friend gets over him..UGH which I hate..ahh..we wer walking to san fran with 3 other guys, justin, him and BBBF, carla, sarz, sheenz, and me..and so we wer walking and of course I didn't want to be walking and talking with the girls..well actually theyre fun too but not as hilarous..neways I was jsut walking adn switching who to walk with...of course, i couldn't help myself but to talk to him and tlk to justin just in case anything happens..but so I realized while walking how far away carla was to him adn i thought if she really likes him then why dont u walk over here and tlk to him too..ugh ok should be even writitn about this..WHATEVER...

The foolish hearts.
Mood:  not sure
okay, love maybe a complicated thing between my friend sarah, nessa and this guy, eivan. Its a twisted triangle..and I HATE THAT EIVAN DUDE FOR RUINING THEIR FRIENDSHIP!

Eivan like sarah
Sarah then like eivan
Were together for 3 months
He said 'promises' that made sarah felt special
Out of the blue, he says to sarah that he doesnt have feelings for her anymore.
After 4 days he asks nessa out who is really good friends with sarah
Nessa gladly feels the same way as eivan are together now
After 4 days they started to say I love you together, held hands and have fallen in'love'
In front of sarah
Now, sarah cries every night
Holds everything in to be a good friend to nessa
She is now like a volcano, ready to explode her feelings any minute

UGH!!!! just wrote this summary of this whole situation and I can see now that WHATEVER THE REASON NESSA SAID YES TO THIS GAY OLE EIVAN, is probably the CRAPIEST REASON in the whole world! I mean YOU DON'T FRIGGIN DO THAT TO YOUR FRIEND!! and that gay ole eivan YOU DON'T FRIGGIN ACT LIKE A PIMP AND GO FROM ONE GIRL TO ANOTHER!!! EXPECIALLY WHEN THEYRE FRIENDS!! AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!..gosh this friggin problem is ruining my preparation for this week but who wouldnt!! if you were in my place you would probably be pissed..cuz I'm really good friends with both girls..especially to be in sarah's position..I think its worse to be in her place..aaaah!!! she doesn't even deserve this pain...

In another story..I am liking this guy and MY FRIEND LOVES HIM!!..well actually theyre not dating but she likes him too..and this situation suck because its basically the same thing as the situation above but I HATE BEING THE STUPID GIRL!!..which I am and which really suck is because HE IS SO GOOD-LOOKING THE MOST AMAZING PERSONALITY EVER!! the best listener and everything..I just love who he is..AAAAHHHH...BUT I CAN'T...my closest friend like him and I can't betray her..ok..

PLAN:
-ignore him =(
-become a lezbian with my friend sarah
-find another guy whos OTHER THAN HIM!
-continue to be a stalker, have a pathetic life as a person that will never be loved.

*sigh oh well..told you love is complicated

Love, when will that happen??
Mood:  not sure
ok, I was talking to my friend, Jackie about..you know, LOVE..well she was talking about her love life while I was wondering...hmmm she has a lot of problems just with one guy but I can't blame her, she's my friend and she's who she is..lol..anyways..I was thinking how pathetic and sad that I've never had a boyfriend in my entire life..lol it is sad..single life is boring especially that I'm having all this problems..gosh its fun to be with my friends but its not cool when your alone..I'm not a telephone person, who would talk on the phone like everyday..I like it, you know casually not those long almost boring phone conversations. well writing this made me realize I had an "almost" boyfriend..I talked to him on the phone but not everyday and I regret it now..man, he was ass in the last days of school..never talk to him even though we go to the same school..neways..I don't want to be in a relationship or anything but I would love to know someone I like, cares for me *sigh* it'll never happen because I am jsut too ugly and I don't think I have what it takes to be a good girlfriend..man, this thing about love..@ carla's sleepover, she asked us all: "Have you ever felt love?" and it was deep..girls, my age or anyone in their teens are probably asking that too..do we really know what love is even though it smacked us in our face? lol, but think about that..man, I say that you would know what "love" is but not really sure if you will ever feel it. As teenagers, no way can you feel love with a person and just just break up with him after a few months..teenagers this days are all fools..A fool in love..=D..well I'm not really sure on what I'm talking about??...I didnt even think of the facts and their side..but I don't know..Im sure I havent felt love or even experiencing someone liking me back =S..man, I think I would be so desperate now just to feel love...you with your opposite sex..lol...but I think love is a special thing or something I'm not sure, but I know once I've found love I won't let it ever go..it might just be the greatest thing in the world..=P